Letter 8:
Why I remained with IVS
Dear ...
... Now I no longer properly remember what we discussed about the nature of avatars, but it is true that it is not an easy subject to understand either intellectually or spiritually, and it is still more difficult if one does not know about Vedanta or avatars properly beforehand. It is something that must be realised. I have read about the effects of avatars in the lives of Rama, Krishna, Buddha, Chaitanya and Ramakrishna. These effects do not appear around normal sages. The effects of Bhagavan are very similar. I have seen these over a period of time in others and in myself as well, therefore I believe. You made me think about why I remained with IVS when I heard the description of Bhagavan as an incarnate God.
Recognising wisdom
In those days, it was very different from when you were there. Few people visited the ashram, and no foreigners. Only the girls, Krishna, his mother, Binod Babu, who brings the tea, and the thin old man came every day, I do not know if you know him. I, uninclined to open my mouth except to ask questions about Vedanta whenever it was possible, simply observed everything over a period of months. The swamijis explained Vedanta to me in the evenings after chanting Hare Krishna. I only needed five or ten minutes the first time that Swami Shankarananda spoke to me about Vedanta to realise that he was a person operating on a different level from most people. He knew everything and spoke with an authority that implied something much deeper than mere book-knowledge. “... the people were astonished at his doctrine: for he taught them as one having authority and not as the scribes,” is said of Jesus Christ in the Bible. I had not yet read that at that time, but listening with a will to attain to Truth, with the mind empty of thoughts, I understood intuitively that he was a sage. I did not know if he had realised himself or not as he did not say, I did not ask as I was not sure if the question was appropriate, and I did not know anyone else whom I could ask. It is not always easy to work out if someone is a sage. You need to know how to pull the wisdom out of him. When I was at university, I liked to argue about all sorts of things just in order to win arguments, and that gave me the ability to ask difficult questions. There is no subject more difficult on which to give answers that always sound correct with authority, than what we should do with life and why. The majority of people have an opinion, but I had never met a person who had an answer to everything and spoke so clearly believing and living what he said. I did not have an opinion about such things. I had gone to India to find answers as I knew that I did not have the qualifications to even have a respectable opinion. Therefore, I was prepared to remain in a place where it seemed that there were answers, until I knew everything.
Recognising pure hearts
The girls would come to the ashram every day, listen to Vedanta, sing, clean the ashram, and all this for what? There was no materialistic answer to this. Normally, people of that age just watch television and cause problems. Furthermore, in that quarter, very many people are most corrupted. However, I had never met the quality of the people of the ashram with such open hearts and such good behaviour in fifty countries. They seemed much better than I was. And why were they like that?
Recognising bliss
The old man would come and listen to a swamiji speak about spirituality without saying anything. Then we would chant Hare Krishna together. I did not understand bhakti yoga, the path of devotion. I always had a lot of detachment from everything, which was fine in the material world, but it is necessary to have as much devotion and attachment to the spiritual goal as possible, when practising devotion. So, instead of throwing myself into the chanting, I often watched what others were doing. I would see that the old man would sing and clap with great enthusiasm and an expression that shone with joy. All the while, his eyes would be shut, so his joy just came from within. There was no reason to pretend like that in a half-empty ashram with just a few girls and a young foreigner who never spoke to anybody, and anyway it did not give the impression of being something that one could put on. I would see this every day. Why did he experience such joy, when I did not feel anything? The joy was there, but it seemed that I was not capable of feeling it, heart of stone that I had. I realised that everything I had done in life, all my opinions and the opinions of other people that I had met in my life about what we should do with life counted for nothing. For the first time in my life, the truth was in front of my eyes, and I could not grasp it. How is it possible to make oneself capable of experiencing what he was experiencing? That question deserved an answer.
Keeping an open mind
When you have realised that someone is operating on a level higher than other people, the question, “how did he or she come to be like that?” presents itself, so that you, too, have the opportunity to attain to that level. Swamiji said that it happened because of Bhagavan. Then he said that Bhagavan was an avatar, and explained what that was, as I did not know. Naturally, the explanation was the last thing that I had been expecting, as it seemed completely reasonable. The difficult point in this now was that the explanation came from someone who, up to that point, had given a perfect answer to everything. He knew much more than I, who had needed to cross two continents overland to find answers. I came to the conclusion that, compared to him, I was not qualified to have an opinion, therefore I continued to visit the ashram to elevate myself to a sufficiently high level of understanding to have an opinion. The teachings were nothing new, as they were of Shankaracharya, about whom I knew before, so they seemed respectable. I neither believed in what he explained about Bhagavan, nor disbelieved. I simply filed the information away in a place deep in my mind and did not think much about it so that it would not disturb my concentration on what I was doing.
Suggestion in bhakti yoga, the yoga of devotion
Bhagavan came and went. The weather in Banaras became horribly hot. I went to Nepal. I thought about the visit of Bhagavan. All the other devotees had been incredibly happy during his visit. I wondered why. It seemed clear that I had experienced much less joy than everyone else. Perhaps it was only suggestion. If the swamijis say, “Bhagavan is God, therefore we are experiencing great bliss,” we become excited and create the bliss ourselves. Perhaps it is sometimes difficult to know why there is such an atmosphere. From the point of view of devotion, it is necessary to create all the atmosphere that you can so that the kundalini may rise higher, so it is better to have as much energy coming out from everywhere as possible. People who understand bhakti yoga know this.
Not feeling anything does not mean nothing is there
Other people said they had felt great spiritual power. I had felt something, but it was not obvious if it was spiritual power or something else, as I did not know what spiritual power was like. You need a certain level of sensitivity on the subtle level, which develops with experience, to feel spiritual power, which is of a very fine vibration. I do not have much of that. Furthermore, what we feel is what we allow into our system. We need to have the mind open to the energy. I was not always as open as I could have been. After several months, I began to develop something of that sensitivity. I began to feel strong energies when I was meditating. After chanting Hare Krishna in the evening, I would continue meditating when the Indians would be going home, and Swami Probuddhananda would explain Vedanta to foreigners in another room. I used to go into the room when they were speaking in very unusual states because of my meditation. When you have just been meditating, the sensitivity towards subtle energies is finer, and when a deeply realised person is doing sadhanas or is speaking about spirituality, he or she projects more power. I could feel waves of energy coming out of Swamiji that gave me a strange sleepiness. It was obvious they were coming out of him, as I could feel from what direction they were coming. That is the effect that one may feel around a jñani, someone who has been in nirvikalpa samadhi, if you have developed the sensitivity. In India, it is said that in a cycle of twelve years, one or two people achieve nirvikalpa samadhi. That only changes if an incarnation of God comes. Bhagavan has some seventeen disciples that have entered nirvikalpa samadhi. How did Swamiji enter nirvikalpa samadhi? Bhagavan one day told him, “fall into the depths of samadhi,” and Swamiji fell.
Perseverance and the process
Everyone entered samadhi except me. If you have not experienced yourself, you do not have knowledge, merely faith. On bad days, you do not even have that. Everyone had knowledge except me, who was groping along in an ocean of darkness. Newer people came, and it seemed that they were advancing more quickly, and they entered samadhi. What frustration! How unfair! It is a mistake to view it like that, as this life is really just one link in a chain of lives that we have had. There is only unfairness if we see it only from the context of one life. Samadhi is a very, very rare thing that almost no-one who practises spirituality gets to experience. Only if an avatar comes do many people get to experience it without doing many austerities. In theory, Bhagavan could put anyone into samadhi at any time. However, the nerves must be prepared, otherwise it would be a torture. The mind of someone without any preparation would explode. Moreover, there is a certain process, which everyone must complete. It is contrary to the spirit of the Divine Sport if a soul achieves samadhi without having done the austerities. The reason why we have the universe, the whole creation, would be compromised. Where is the glory in fulfilling something that is easy? Bhagavan wanted his mother to realise he was God. His mother also wanted this. She was dying without having realised it. Bhagavan could not simply give her the realisation, because it is against ethics to give enlightenment, the most valuable thing in life, to someone who has still not earned it. Her mother did hard practices, as Bhagavan said she had to do. One day she earned the realisation, gained it, and told everyone that Bhagavan was God, and three days later her malady took her body. Everything is in our own minds. If we are not prepared, we should prepare ourselves! We should not say, “give me samadhi!” but rather ask, “what do I have to do to get samadhi?” And may we do the recommended practices! I had a hard mind that needed a lot of hard preparation to have a samadhi. Bhagavan finally gave it to me one evening when my heart felt completely broken because I had still not been in samadhi, more than a year after my arrival in IVS, during which I thought almost exclusively about spirituality.
Observing others
One day in Amingaon, Swami Premananda was prostrating to Bhagavan. Bhagavan said to Christian that Swamiji used to be an artist, singer, but he left everything to live as a monk to serve Bhagavan. He simply asked Christian, “why?” That question also deserves a response. The swamijis, when they became swamijis were educated people, professionals who could do whatever they wanted. However, they left everything to tell people that Bhagavan is God. Is it really possible to continue hood-winking such intelligent people that know everything about Vedanta for such a long time? And now, I too am here writing this. What will I gain? I have realised myself. I saw this with my physical eyes after samadhi, and have seen permanent changes in my mind. A profound silence that was not there before. I do not need anything. I was a person with neither fears nor attachments that had passed uncountable nights outside in rain, snow and ice without suffering, even before I went to India. Can I be cheated without proofs? If I do not do anything for Bhagavan, what can he do if he decides he does not like it? I am here, and He is in India. Will he send some swamiji to Great Britain to shout at me? However, I continue working for Him anyway, I think of Him and His works day and night and say that he is an Incarnation of God. Why?
The problem is our own minds, not other peoples’
It was clear to me that the realisations of devotees like Swami Premananda were true, as the results were permanent. Suggestions are only states of the mind that disappear, and some day, that person will see the light. I had seen the permanent manifestations of wisdom and love in too many people to think that everyone had been wandering about in the dark for a singularly long time. Seen like that, it appeared that everyone except me was experiencing something truly great, and the problem was solely a problem with my own mind. I was incapable of experiencing feelings of love, joy and selflessness. Spiritual power is simply spiritual power. It has neither religion nor tradition. If I cannot absorb it in a place where there is enough to convince such people to renounce everything to work for Bhagavan for such a long time, how am I going to absorb it in another place, where there is no-one capable of convincing such people that know everything that he is God? If I say that I cannot absorb spiritual power, I am saying that I am the only person in the world that cannot. Enlightenment is for everyone in the world except for me! The thing to do was put my own hard mind in order.
Seeing ego in others when it is not there
Sometimes came to me the question, “if Bhagavan does not have ego, why does he say, ‘I am this, I have realised that’”. It seems to be ego! When I myself began to speak to others about spirituality, that became clear. I have to give a reason to come back to the ashram which is more convincing than, “I feel happy here”. I say, “I have realised something,” and they think that it is ego. If I say nothing, I really have more still, as other people do not get the opportunity to achieve enlightenment, and I am hiding all the spirituality, enjoying it on my own with my friends. It is not possible to explain things little by little, because back-packers are not going to return to the ashram just to listen to philosophy and chant Hare Krishna a few minutes a day over a period of months. You can study philosophy and chant on your own anywhere. If you are speaking to a person who has a lot of ego, you simply cannot win, as a person like that sees ego in everything, whether it is there or not. What I had to do was simply get rid of my own ego. If you do not have ego, you do not superimpose ego on others. Accepting everything without ego, you receive all the good, and the bad, if there is any, does not affect you, as you do not have an ego that can be hurt by it.
The answer will come from the heart, but we must recognise the evidence
When a person with sufficient realisation speaks, his words hit you with soul force instead of just coming from the intellect or vital energies. That means you have realisations when he or she speaks. If Bhagavan says, “I am God,” enough times, and it is true, you will realise it. If he is not God, you will not realise it, as it is impossible to realise things that are not true. Now I have realised that, therefore it must be true. You do not know that because you have not realised it, but I know that what they would tell me and I doubted is true. Your proof will only come from your own realisation. There is no reason to brainwash you with a certain idea; what is necessary is a sincere attitude towards finding out the truth. That truth is in your own heart, and it will tell you from what source your spirituality came, one day. I know that it is very difficult to discriminate between truth and what comes from the ego at the start. Often, it seems to me that my mind is silent, I sit for meditation, and see that there is actually a lot of noise. I open my eyes, and everything is silent again. The noise was actually always there, still is, but I do not have the sensibility to see the vibrations. The ego always goes on moving around, hidden down below, doing who knows what. What I did was not have an opinion, continuing with my practices, hanging around with realised people and wanting to know truth, and one day came the realisation. Anyway, what does it matter if Bhagavan is God or not? The important thing is what effect there is around him. If we see good progress, then that is fine. I have seen Bhagavan call people over, tell them to sit in front of Him, and a few minutes later they topple over in samadhi. I understand that something like that happened to ..., ..., and ... when you were in Banaras. It is very unusual that that should happen to people who have practised spirituality so little so many times. It only happens with an avatar.
Faith that Bhagavan is God
The first time that Swami Ramananda entered samadhi, he was listening to a recording of Bhagavan’s voice. He had never met Bhagavan before. Swamis Shankarananda and Prajñanananda convinced him that Bhagavan was an avatar, they switched on the tape-player, and Swami Ramananda entered samadhi and did not come out for a day and a half. This was possible because Swamiji had great faith, in the context of Brahman, there exists no such thing as distance between him and Bhagavan, and why else? That question deserves an answer as it can transform us into sages in decades or even lifetimes less than the time normally necessary. I saw progress in others, but not in myself, as I did not know how to recognise it in me. However, I kept up my faith, continued practising, and one day, I too entered samadhi.
Shaping the mind for samadhi
Our minds are like a ball of mud. A ball does not catch the nectar that is falling. The form of the mud has to be changed into that of a bowl. When the shape is correct, the potter puts it into the fire, we have a bowl, which will have this form for eternity. When the mind is in the correct shape, it will be put into samadhi, the fire of Knowledge, and we will attain that realisation for eternity. There are many ways of putting it into the correct form. One is by generating a great atmosphere of devotion in every way possible, as was being done in Varanasi. It is like japa and meditation – you have a focus for the concentration and concentrate so hard that there is no space for other thoughts. And one day you will enter samadhi.
Realisation through contemplation and worship
When someone believes that Bhagavan is God, but does not have the realisation, he begins to contemplate this idea a lot to realise it, but if you do not yet believe, it is better not to do that because you could turn into a hypocrite and mess yourself up somewhat. When a person who worships with knowledge worships a deity, he is not worshipping a stone. He is worshipping the idea of divinity that he superimposes onto the statue, which is an instrument on which he can focus his devotion. If he thinks that he is worshipping a stone, nothing will happen, as it is the idea that is important. When worshipping a guru, there is more that can be received, as there is a quantity of spiritual power that can enter you if you are connected with him, but again, it only
works if you see him as divinity. If you see him as a person, almost nothing happens. Perhaps a tiny bit, as a guru does contain spiritual power, whereas a stone does not. Therefore, everyone with a guru tries to see him as God. A stone is God in a sense, a person who is sufficiently realised to make others realised is God in a further sense, and an avatar is God in a third sense as well. Whom should we worship? A God in an inaccessible heaven, or He who can take us to that heaven? As worshiping the idea of divinity also spiritualises us, that means that we become spiritualised if we worship Bhagavan even if he is not God. If we do that, and one day realise that he is not God, we will still have won; only our egos will be hurting, if we still have egos. The point is that we have to develop a certain idea, therefore we should not disturb that idea, and should not plant ideas such as perhaps this path is based on something completely wrong, if we already have some faith. Therefore, if you have fundamental doubts, and this is important, please discuss it just with me, Paula, Swami Probuddhananda or another person who will not be diverted from the path thinking about it, either because they have a sufficiently deep realisation or because they are not on this path, so that the paths towards samadhi of other people are not compromised.
Know that I will always be with you. May your path be swift,
Lots of love,
Hare Krishna,
Koji